Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
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ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Basketball
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.