HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*