@AndyRichter: HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. "This is bad for everybody," say Old White Dudes.
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@shutupmikeginn: I have sloth-like reflexes "Don't you mean catlike reflexes?" [several hours later] No
@jordan_stratton: PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released? ME: Crimes. PB: Excuse me? ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I'M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
@Tayyxb: David Cameron: "In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked." Buckingham Palace?
@glo_stevens: I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I've learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.