Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog