I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.