how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No