Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still