healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.