Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”