My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
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thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out