I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”