@ericsshadow: My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

@TheRolo: [At a San Francisco Dance Club] *Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt* Hey baby, what's your name? "Robert"

@fightforfood: When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I'd prefer if you included tigress

@weinerdog4life: How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

@realHamOnWry: *smudges lipstick* *smears eyeliner* *gets mascara on earlobe* *never tries make-up sex again*