Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.