Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
This probably isn’t good
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
*serious situation*
My brain:
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Super Hand Dog Face