Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.