@junejuly12: Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a 'veteran' and a 28 year old player 'old' has done zilch for my self esteem today
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@maddyalou: Son: Will you please just try to act normal today? Me: You're going to have to be more specific.
@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.
@QwertyJones3: [Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses] HER: So what kind of car do you drive? ME: A bookmobile.
@trevso_electric: "Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance