@junejuly12: Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a 'veteran' and a 28 year old player 'old' has done zilch for my self esteem today
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@PaulyPeligroso: You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
@samalmightysam: -Babe, I can't find the condom, what if we don't use it? -Sure, I'm ready to be a mother anyways. -No, no. Look, I found it!
@BeingDBEAST: Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
@ThaJawn: (Kid's Bday Party) Kid: Who are you? I'm you, from the future, don't eat that cake! K: *puts cake down, runs away crying *eats his cake