[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Friday