*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
You Might Also Like
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Get in loser we’re going crying
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working