[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.