[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
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“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave