*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
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Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I told my vodka about you.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
repaired
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*orders delivery*
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]