*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.