Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
It was worth a shot 😂
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in