{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.