[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
LMAO
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
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CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.