[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
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{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
japanese corn
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running