[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
S O O N
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.