Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m an asshole.
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