[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
For those that worship cheese..
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My good tweets are in my other pants.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all