Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
God, I love Scotland
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.