Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Huge, if true.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs