You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
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I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude