“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said