Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy