Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My circle of trust is a meatball
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”