Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
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I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie