Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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(by @ZachWeiner )
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.