Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
In case you needed to hear it:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.