Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I am all good here, 😂😉
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
live, laugh, laundry.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.