Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?