Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn