Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
You Might Also Like
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food