Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women鈥檚 locker rooms.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can鈥檛 name 10 jesuses
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 馃檨
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.