There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
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At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Time heals everything 🙂
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
A French press is when you hug naked
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.