Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Not all heroes wear capes…
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
*sewing*
A thread
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”