My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.