The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
bout dat hot dog summer
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?