Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
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cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Spotted in New Orleans.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
my one true gender
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails