Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story