“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Sending in my taxes
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
my first day as a raccoon
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Bed should get ready for ME
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*