Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I like long walks away from everyone
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,