HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
You Might Also Like
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.