If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me checking my bank balance online.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.